Anxious Attachment Conflict Style
People with an anxious attachment style, usually the emotional pursuer in the relationship, often experience a deep, internal struggle when it comes to conflict. While they crave emotional closeness and reassurance from their partner, they also have an intense fear of being seen as a burden. As a result, they often do their best to hold in their feelings for as long as they possibly can.
This aversion to conflict stems from a desire not to be seen as “too much.” Those with anxious attachment fear being labeled as nagging, needy, or demanding, so they try their best to keep their concerns inside, believing that raising them would push their partner away.
The hope is that their partner would notice their unhappiness and take action without having to ask. So instead of bringing up their concern each time their partner lets them down, or isn’t there for them, they quietly collect the evidence that their partner isn’t meeting their needs, which feeds their internal narrative with thoughts like, “My partner doesn’t care,” or “I have to take care of everything by myself.”
The stored hurt and disappointment creates internal pressure that continues to build, until eventually they can’t hold it in any longer!
What often follows is an an emotional outburst that can feel critical or accusatory, and way out of proportion to what is happening in the present moment. The anxious partner may say things like, “You never listen to me,” or “You don’t care about my feelings,” driven by the built-up pain and frustration from all the times they felt ignored or unseen.
Unfortunately, this style of expressing emotions usually leads to even more disconnection and hurt. The partner on the receiving end is typically unprepared for such a heavy emotional conversation and may respond defensively, or even shut down completely.
Tips for Managing Conflict with Anxious Attachment
If you have an anxious attachment style, it’s important to recognize that while your emotions are valid, the way they’re expressed can sometimes get you the opposite of what you are wanting from your partner. Here are a few tips to help you navigate conflict more effectively and get the comfort and connection you are longing for:
1. Ground Yourself and Self-Regulate Before Approaching Conflict
Before diving into a conversation with your partner, take time to ground yourself. This can mean practicing deep breathing, journaling your feelings, or taking a brief walk to clear your mind. Self-regulation helps you enter the conversation calmly rather than letting pent-up emotions control the narrative. The goal is to approach your partner from a place of openness, rather than reacting from anxiety or fear.
2. Invite Your Partner Into the Conversation and Let Them Choose the Time
Instead of launching into an emotional conversation right away, invite your partner to discuss the issue at a time that works for them. This gives them space to prepare and shows respect for their emotional boundaries. For example, you might say, “There’s something important I’d like to talk about. When would be a good time for us to have a conversation?” This sets the tone for a calmer, more intentional discussion.
3. Focus on One Issue at a Time and Use “I” Statements
When engaging in the conversation, try to keep the focus on one issue instead of letting all of your frustrations spill out at once. Addressing multiple concerns in a single conversation can overwhelm your partner and derail productive communication. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, such as, “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard in our conversations, and I need reassurance that we’re on the same page.” This keeps the conversation centered on your experience rather than placing blame.
Breaking the Pattern
Another important aspect of having more effective conflict conversations, is working on healing your internal wounded parts that fear asking for what you need from your partner. Addressing this root issue will give you the confidence to bring things up when you need to, rather than holding things in and building that internal pressure.
If you recognize yourself in this anxious attachment conflict style, it’s important to know that change is possible. By learning to self-regulate before engaging in conflict, inviting your partner into the conversation at a time that works for both of you, and focusing on one issue at a time, you can create a more constructive path forward. These tools can help you feel heard and understood without overwhelming your partner, leading to healthier and more connected communication in your relationship.
My next article will focus on the Avoidant Attachment Conflict Style. In the meantime, if you are ready to take the next step, be sure to download my Crazy Eight Diagram to uncover how you and your partner get caught up in negative cycles. This powerful tool will help you identify the push-pull dynamics in your relationship and provide insights into breaking free from unproductive patterns.
[Click here to download the Crazy Eight Diagram and start transforming your relationship today!]
Dr. Lisa Arango is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Millennial Marriage Expert helping people improve their relationships, both online and in person in her office in Miami, Florida. Feel free to contact her for a complimentary consultation.