Understanding Attachment Styles in Marriage: What They Are and Why They Matter
Ana often finds herself craving more connection with her husband, Sam. She frequently asks if he still loves her and feels hurt when he’s quiet after an argument. Sam, on the other hand, feels like no matter how hard he tries, he can’t meet Ana’s emotional needs. When she asks for reassurance or brings up relationship concerns, he feels overwhelmed and frustrated, sometimes withdrawing to “cool off” even though he knows it upsets her.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Ana and Sam’s dynamic is common for couples where one partner has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant attachment style. These styles often lead to a cycle where Ana’s need for closeness feels like “too much” to Sam, while his withdrawal only deepens her anxiety, leaving both feeling misunderstood and disconnected. This dynamic, known as the “pursue-withdraw” cycle, can create tension if attachment needs aren’t understood and met.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Simply put, attachment styles are the ways we connect, seek reassurance, and cope with relationships based on how we learned to relate to caregivers as children. While these styles can develop in childhood, they impact our adult relationships—especially marriage. There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Each style has unique needs and behaviors, and understanding them can help you recognize patterns in your marriage and build a stronger connection with your partner.
1. Secure Attachment Style
Needs:
People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable giving and receiving love. They value open communication, mutual support, and closeness but don’t need constant reassurance. Their need for connection and independence is balanced, creating a stable foundation for relationships.
Behaviors:
A securely attached partner communicates openly, handles conflict calmly, and shows empathy. They trust their partner, are comfortable with intimacy, and can handle being alone without feeling abandoned. Because they feel secure in the relationship, they’re also able to support their partner’s needs and adapt to changing circumstances.
Example behavior: Secure partners might say, “I know we disagree right now, but let’s talk it through when we’re both calm.” This approach helps maintain connection and defuses conflict, allowing for a productive conversation rather than escalating tension.
2. Anxious Attachment Style
Needs:
Anxiously attached individuals often fear abandonment and have a strong need for reassurance. They crave closeness and validation from their partner and may feel deeply unsettled during moments of physical or emotional distance. This need for closeness can sometimes feel overwhelming for their partner, creating friction.
Behaviors:
Anxious partners may be quick to reach out, ask for frequent reassurance, or feel anxious if they don’t receive a prompt response. They may also read into their partner’s behavior, assuming they’ve done something wrong or that the relationship is in jeopardy. This pattern often leads to high emotions during conflicts, and they may hold in concerns until they feel overwhelmed, resulting in outbursts or “protests” for connection.
Example behavior: They might ask, “Do you still love me?” after a disagreement, needing reassurance that the relationship is secure. This need, however, can feel overwhelming to an avoidant partner, deepening the cycle of disconnection.
3. Avoidant Attachment Style
Needs:
Those with an avoidant attachment style value independence and may feel uncomfortable when a relationship becomes too emotionally demanding. They’re self-sufficient and need space to process their emotions alone, viewing closeness as potentially overwhelming or even threatening.
Behaviors:
An avoidant partner may withdraw during times of emotional intensity, pull back when a partner seeks closeness, or avoid discussing deep feelings. They might appear calm on the surface during conflict but feel the need to detach emotionally. This can come off as dismissive or uncaring, which often triggers anxious partners who desire more connection.
Example behavior: After a disagreement, an avoidant partner might go silent or leave the room, needing space to calm down but unintentionally leaving their partner feeling rejected.
How to Begin Identifying Your Attachment Needs and Behaviors
Understanding your attachment style starts with observing your behaviors and needs in the relationship. Here are a few steps to help you and your partner begin this process:
1. Notice Patterns During Conflict:
Take note of how you each respond to conflict. Do you seek closeness and reassurance, or do you withdraw? These patterns often reveal attachment needs—whether for reassurance or space.
2. Reflect on Your Triggers:
Identify situations that leave you feeling anxious, insecure, or disconnected. For example, if you feel upset when your partner doesn’t respond immediately to texts, it may point to an anxious attachment need for reassurance.
3. Ask Yourself What You Need Most in Moments of Distress:
When you’re feeling emotional, think about what you need from your partner. Do you want them to stay close and offer comfort, or do you prefer space to sort things out on your own?
4. Recognize Your Partner’s Attachment Needs:
Empathizing with your partner’s attachment needs can break the cycle of misunderstanding. If they’re avoidant, understand that their need for space isn’t a rejection. If they’re anxious, recognize that reassurance helps them feel safe.
Suggestions for Building a More Secure Connection
Once you understand your attachment style, you can work together to create a more secure relationship. Here are some steps to foster a connection that meets both of your needs:
1. Open Up About Your Attachment Needs:
Share with your partner how certain situations make you feel and what you need from them to feel more secure. This may mean asking an avoidant partner to be patient with your need for reassurance or letting an anxious partner know you’ll return after taking space.
2. Develop Calming Strategies for Conflict:
For anxious partners, taking deep breaths and finding grounding techniques can help manage the urge to seek immediate reassurance. Avoidant partners can practice staying present in moments of connection, even if it feels uncomfortable.
3. Create Rituals for Reconnection:
A weekly check-in or intentional date night can build secure habits in the relationship. Even small gestures, like regular text check-ins, can reassure anxious partners while allowing avoidant partners the space to approach connection gradually.
4. Seek Support to Build Security Together:
If attachment styles are causing challenges in your relationship, you’re not alone. Many couples benefit from professional support to understand their attachment needs and learn tools for creating a secure relationship. Programs like our Love Hub (Coming Soon!) can guide you in developing skills to meet each other’s needs in healthy, fulfilling ways.
Understanding and respecting each other’s attachment styles is essential to creating a loving and secure marriage. By identifying your needs and behaviors, you can break free from old patterns, build a stronger connection, and create a relationship where both partners feel valued, understood, and secure.
Dr. Lisa Arango is a Certified EFT Couples Therapist and Millennial Marriage expert. To learn more, visit her website, or contact her to schedule a consultation.