How Do I Get My Husband To Understand Me?
How many times have you tried to express your feelings only to have your husband respond with,
defensiveness
solutions to 'fix' the problem
minimizing your feelings to calm you down
throwing his hands in the air with frustration
shutting down and walking away
What is he hearing? It's like you're speaking two different languages!
Well, that's because in a sense you are. Effective communication between intimate partners requires a special kind of language that you both speak and understand. We all develop our native language of love in childhood where we learn strategies to express emotions, get our needs met, and feel safely connected. Since you and your husband likely come from different backgrounds you can begin to see how this causes the communication problems in your marriage that seem impossible to break through.
Take my clients John and Sarah. In John's family, when his mom got upset, she would shut down completely and then after a few days start acting normal again. So when his wife Sarah looked sad or got angry with him, he pulled away to give her space and waited until she felt better. This left Sarah feeling confused, alone, and unloved in moments when she needed him most.
Sarah's family was far from perfect but they talked about everything! There was lots of yelling and conflict; no feelings were left unexpressed. You had to fight to be heard and to get your needs met. This is exactly what she did when she was upset with John, which as you can imagine, left him feeling anxious, unsettled, and walking on eggshells to avoid escalating conflict with his wife.
So, the more upset Sarah got, the more John would withdraw. The more he withdrew, the more upset she got...and around and around they went in a crazy, never-ending loop.
Communication cycles like this are what I call the "Crazy 8". While yours may not look exactly like Sarah and John's, we're all familiar with that same fight that happens over and over without resolution. When these kinds of communication cycles persist, the result is emotional distance, leading to more conflict, and then eventually disconnection.
The good news is, these patterns can be broken. And when they are, everything changes! That's why I created the "Crazy 8 Diagram" as a part of My Happy Marriage Formula™ to help you map your cycle as a first step to understanding what's driving the emotional distance in your marriage.
Are you ready to feel seen, and heard? Like your husband finally gets you?
One of the MOST important principles in couple communication is to first seek to understand your husband, then to be understood.
You can apply this to your marriage by becoming curious about your husband’s reactions to you.
Here are a few questions to reflect upon.
Based on my husband’s reaction to me, what might he be feeling?
How did I begin the conversation (with “I” or “You”)?
Did I specify in a clear manner, exactly what I needed from him in that moment?
These questions will get you started in assessing what your husband might be hearing.
If you want to break free from the loop you’ve been stuck, my Crazy 8 Diagram can help you map out what is happening between you, as the first step in understanding each other and beginning to break through.
Dr. Lisa Arango is a Certified EFT Therapist and Millennial Marriage expert. To learn more, visit her website, or contact her to schedule a consultation.