Why Things Change After You Get Married: Understanding the Shift

John and Maria were the perfect couple.

At least, that’s what everyone thought. They had a beautiful wedding, and from the outside looking in, their life seemed idyllic—two kids, a home, successful careers. But behind closed doors, things felt… different. Over time, the easy laughter that once filled their home grew less frequent. Their conversations became surface-level, focused on logistics like kids’ schedules and who would pick up dinner.

Maria often found herself wondering, “How did we get here?”

It wasn’t that they didn’t love each other anymore. They still did. But there was this unspoken distance that neither of them knew how to bridge. The funny thing was, they were still compatible, still got along, and still had fun when they made time for it. But there was something else—a tension that seemed to bubble up out of nowhere during minor disagreements. John would react defensively to what Maria thought were simple comments, and she would withdraw, not understanding what she had said to set him off.

As they sat in therapy one evening, Maria found herself saying, “I just didn’t think it would be like this. I thought marriage would be different.” John nodded in agreement. He felt the same way. They hadn’t realized how much marriage would change things.

So why do things shift so dramatically after you get married?

1. You become family, and with that comes the power to trigger deep wounds.

When you marry someone, they become family, and family has a unique ability to hit you where it hurts the most. John and Maria had unknowingly been triggering each other’s deepest insecurities. Maria’s withdrawal reminded John of feeling abandoned in childhood, while John’s defensiveness brought Maria back to moments of emotional neglect. It was all happening on a subconscious level, and neither of them had realized how their pasts were affecting their present.

The reality is, your spouse has the ability to trigger you in ways that no one else can. Until you take the time to get to know your own emotional triggers and patterns, you may find yourself stuck in cycles of conflict that seem to come out of nowhere.

2. It’s easy to take each other for granted in marriage.

Marriage often comes with the assumption that it’s forever. Sure, we all know that divorce is a possibility, but no one goes into marriage thinking, “I take you until things get hard, or we stop having sex, or life becomes stressful.” We assume this person will always be there, and as a result, we can start to take them for granted.

For John and Maria, this assumption had quietly crept into their relationship. They still loved each other deeply, but they weren’t being intentional about showing it. Over time, the small gestures that once made them feel appreciated were lost in the shuffle of daily life.

3. You’re operating from a subconscious template of what marriage should look like.

We all enter marriage with a subconscious template of what it’s supposed to be, usually based on the relationships we witnessed growing up. Whether your parents had a loving relationship or a strained one, their dynamic likely influences your own approach to marriage.

John and Maria both realized that their ideas of marriage were shaped by very different experiences. John’s parents had been emotionally distant, while Maria’s parents had been overly involved in each other’s lives. Without realizing it, they had brought these expectations into their own relationship, creating unspoken friction.

So, what can you do when you realize that things have changed after marriage?

1. Get to know yourself and your partner.
Understanding your own triggers, sensitivities, and emotional wounds is the first step to breaking old patterns. But it’s just as important to understand your spouse’s triggers. Learn about each other’s attachment styles and emotional responses. When you both have this awareness, you can approach each other with more compassion and less defensiveness.

2. Create a trigger response plan.
Knowing your triggers isn’t enough. You need a plan for how to respond when those triggers are activated. Be intentional about how you handle conflict, and make sure you have strategies in place to help you reconnect after an argument.

3. Be conscious about your marriage.
Marriage isn’t something that should go on autopilot. It requires effort to keep the connection alive. Explore your subconscious beliefs about relationships and intentionally shape your marriage into what you want it to be. Don’t assume that love is enough—be active participants in creating a marriage that makes you both feel loved, appreciated, and happy.

4. Ask the right questions.
Connection deepens when we ask the right questions. Are you curious about your partner’s inner world? How much do you really know about their deepest fears, desires, and triggers? The right questions can open up conversations that lead to profound intimacy.

If you’re not sure where to start, I can help. I’ve created a list of questions that will help you get to know your partner on a deeper level and foster more connection. If you’re interested in receiving them, reach out, and I’ll send them right over.

Your marriage doesn’t have to stay stuck in old patterns. You can make the changes that will bring you closer, but it starts with understanding what’s really going on beneath the surface.