7 Tips To Keep Your Marriage Strong After Having a Baby

All couples experience both incredible joy and overwhelming stress after having a baby. The unexpected difficulties in adjusting to parenthood can have a negative impact on your marriage. In fact, research shows that a surprising 2/3 of couples experience a decline in the quality of their relationship along with increased conflict within the first three years of having children. All the more reason to be proactive and focus on your marriage with intention during this season. Here are some research-backed tips on how you can babyproof your marriage, stay happy, and most importantly connected after baby. 

Keep your relationship love tank full with small things often. Look for opportunities to express how much you appreciate and admire your partner every day. Simple things like please and thank you, complimenting things you admire about your partner, hugs in the morning, tea in the evening. This will create a culture of love and appreciation that will nurture not only your relationship, but also an atmosphere of love and security for your baby.

Preserve intimacy and romance. As soon as possible, rekindle the flame of romance in the relationship. Remember what it was like when you first met? Communicate to your partner that you are attracted to one another and desire intimacy. This doesn’t necessarily mean sex right away. It may be in the form of non-sexual touch or just cuddling. Many women report being ‘touched-out’ when caring for a baby. Be sure to communicate how you are feeling and what you both are needing. It also helps if you are the one initiating the touch by seeking a comforting hug or massage. 

Prioritize the couple relationship. Remember, happy couple, happy baby. Don’t make the mistake of creating a child-centered relationship. Rather, create a family-centered relationship keeping top of mind that what your baby needs most are two loving parents with a secure relationship. Prioritizing your marriage means making time for your relationship without your little one. If you have a baby-sitter, go out on dates once a week. If not, create a date night at home. Keep conversation about the relationship between the two of you, not your baby. This can be challenging but the impact on your relationship is worth the effort. 

Keep dad involved. Some fathers tend to withdraw during this transition time as baby takes center stage and mom receives a lot of support from friends and family. Keep dad involved by asking him to respond to some of baby’s needs like bathing, feeding, or playtime. Remind him how important his role is to you and baby.  And most importantly, allow him to do it his way!

Avoid engaging in destructive communication tactics during conflict. Conflict is inevitable in any healthy relationship. What is important is that you regulate conflict by avoiding what Dr. John Gotttman refers to as the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Rather than using criticism, complain about the problem, not your partner. Instead of becoming defensive, see where you can take some responsibility in the situation. Don’t communicate an attitude of contempt and deliberately try to insult or hurt your partner during an argument, and lastly don’t stonewall by shutting down and shutting the other person out.   

Focus on becoming a team. Create and maintain a united front as a couple and as parents. Always keep in mind that the two of you are in this together. This creates emotional security for your baby and helps with discipline later on baby’s life.  

Do things together with baby. Play time, bath time, and feeding time don’t have to be done by only one parent. Take time to engage in activities with baby together as a couple on a regular basis. This will nurture both the “we-ness” of the two of you as a couple and the “three-ness” of becoming a family. 

Be proactive by knowing what challenges lie ahead and planning ways to stay connected with each other during this transition into parenthood and beyond by implementing these important tips. 

Dr. Lisa Arango, Millennial Marriage Expert, offers couples therapy and coaching in her South Miami office and online, helping couples have a happy marriage, using her Happy Marriage Formula™.