The Right Way to Fight With Your Spouse

“Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument with your partner, only to realize that you’re both fighting to be heard, but not really listening to each other?”

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how you handle it can make all the difference. The way you approach these moments can either strengthen your bond or create lasting damage, and even tear you apart.  

Before I get into the ‘Rules of Engagement”, that outline the right way to fight, here are a few important things to keep in mind. 

• You love each other. 

• You’re on the same team. 

• Your partner is not actually out to get you. 

It’s also important to remember that the ultimate goal of conflict between couples is understanding. When you make, understanding your partner, your personal goal, conflict can be much more productive, and even lead to more intimacy, understanding, and security in your relationship.

Be sure to make a commitment in advance, that you both agree to follow the rules of the DO’s and DON’Ts, so when the battles come you can feel safe and trust each other to not cross the line.

Here are the DO’S to live by when engaging in conflict. 

1. Stick to the Issue at Hand

When disagreements arise, it’s crucial to stay focused on the specific issue you’re addressing. Avoid bringing up past grievances or unrelated topics. This keeps the conversation productive and prevents it from escalating into a laundry list of complaints.

2. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements

Framing your feelings with “I” statements, like “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”, helps reduce defensiveness. It centers the conversation on your emotions and experiences, which can foster understanding rather than blame.

3. Take Breaks When Emotions Run High

If you or your partner feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break. Agree to pause the conversation and come back to it once you’ve both had time to cool down. This prevents saying things in the heat of the moment that you might regret later. Pro tip: Make sure you come back to it!

4. Dialogue Rather Than Monologue

During conflicts, it’s easy to fall into the trap of listening just to craft your counter-argument. Instead, focus on truly understanding your partner’s perspective. Take turns in the ‘speaker’ and ‘listener’ role to give each other a chance to be heard. Reflect back what you’ve heard before sharing your viewpoint—this shows empathy and can defuse tension.

5. Agree on Solutions Together

Once you’ve both shared your feelings and listened to each other, work together to find a resolution. Avoid imposing your solution on your partner. Instead, collaborate to find a compromise that respects both of your needs and concerns. This reinforces the idea that you’re a team, even when you disagree.

During conflict, there are certain behaviors and statements that can escalate tensions, damage trust, and hurt the relationship in lasting ways. 

Here are the definite DON'Ts couples should always avoid:

1. Name-Calling and Insults

Resorting to name-calling or using hurtful language can be deeply damaging. These personal attacks shift the focus from resolving the issue to causing emotional pain, making it harder to repair the relationship afterward.

2. Bringing Up Past Mistakes

Bringing up past grievances during a current argument can feel like an ambush and prevent any real progress. It muddles the conversation and makes it difficult to resolve the issue at hand.

3. Using Ultimatums/ Threatening the Relationship

Statements like “If you don’t do this, then I’m leaving” can feel threatening and manipulative. Ultimatums often force a partner into a corner, making it difficult to have a productive and honest discussion.

4. Stonewalling or Giving the Silent Treatment

Shutting down communication by stonewalling or giving the silent treatment can be incredibly frustrating for the other person. It creates a barrier to resolution and can make your partner feel dismissed or ignored.

5. Assuming the Worst Intentions

Assuming that your partner is intentionally trying to hurt or undermine you can lead to unnecessary conflict. It’s important to approach disagreements with the assumption that both of you want to resolve the issue and care about each other’s feelings.

6. Making Absolute Statements

Phrases like “You always…” or “You never…” exaggerate the issue and put your partner on the defensive. These absolutes rarely reflect the full picture and can cause unnecessary resentment.

7. Interrupting or Talking Over Each Other

Cutting off your partner mid-sentence or not allowing them to express their thoughts fully can lead to frustration and escalate the conflict. It’s important to listen actively and allow each other the space to speak.

Avoiding these behaviors during conflict can help keep the conversation focused, respectful, and productive, leading to healthier resolutions and a stronger relationship.

Dr. Lisa Arango, Millennial Marriage Expert, offers couples therapy and coaching in her South Miami office and online, helping couples have a happy marriage, using her Happy Marriage Formula™.