Four Most Dreaded Words In A Relationship
“We need to talk”.
What does it feel like when your partner says these words to you? Some would say fear, anxiety, or maybe even dread. But guess what? It doesn’t have to be that way. Wouldn’t it be amazing if you could learn how to turn those words into an invitation for deeper connection with each other?
If you’re in a long-term relationship you already know that conflict is inevitable. But did you know that it’s actually healthy? That is, if you are able to navigate it effectively. I bet you’ve never considered that the real goal of conflict is understanding and connection, regardless of what you are actually fighting about. And most, if not all, conflict is based on feeling the opposite; misunderstood, and disconnected from the one you love.
When we feel this way in our relationship, our brain registers this as a threat to our survival; a trigger that sends us into an emotional tailspin.
Whether your style of conflict is more on the cool side of wanting to keep things calm and logical, or on the hotter side of wanting to express your feelings; when you’re in the midst of a fight, you suddenly experience your partner as your opponent rather than one on the ‘same team’.
This is overwhelming because there is so much at stake; your relationship!
Being able to successfully address conflict in a relationship is one of the key factors leading to long-term relationship satisfaction and success. Left unresolved and swept under the rug, conflict can lead to deeply rooted feelings of isolation, hopelessness, and resentment. So wouldn’t it be great if you could learn to ‘do’ conflict with your partner more effectively?
The Gottman Institute reminds us that the way an argument ‘starts up’ is a predictor of how it’s going to go, and how it’s going to end. So, beginning the conversation effectively is critical. With this in mind, the first step is to focus on the underlying feelings you are experiencing and communicate them to your partner in a soft and slow manner. If you can hold on to yourself and each other, you are much more likely to be able to address the issues that brought you into conflict in the first place.
As a practical tip, begin with an “I Statement”. The formula goes like this. “I feel…”Fill in a one-word feeling word like sad, hurt, worried, about something that happened and then add “And I’d really like to talk to you about it”. If the feeling you are experiencing is anger, try to dig a little deeper to the softer emotion that is underlying the anger and from this place, invite your partner into the discussion.
Feeling seen, understood, and reassured that we are safe, loved, and enough for our partner, through conflict conversations will not only strengthen your relationship for the long haul, you will also experience a deeper connection each go around.