Here’s Why Your Partner Isn’t Changing And What to Do About It
Have you ever felt frustrated by your partner’s resistance to change, despite your best efforts to communicate what you need?
Well, you are not alone. This one of the most common complaints I hear when people reach out to me for help with their relationship. Getting to the root cause of why they are not responding is critical. Here are some common explanations and tips to address each one.
They haven't actually heard you.
Now before you call me crazy and close this post, hear me out cause this one my friend, is very common. I can't tell you how many times people sitting in my office experience the phenomenon of hearing for the first time, what their partner has been telling them for years! Obviously they 'heard' you, but what's not so obvious is they weren't actually listening. They heard the same thing so many times it became background noise. They tell themselves that you're just nagging, and brush it off as unimportant.
What to do about it: Talking about things at the right time and making sure to have their full attention is super important here.
2.They're in defense mode.
The way you bring something up matters as much, if not more, than the words you are saying. If your partner responds defensively, there's only one explanation. They feel attacked. And when anyone one feels attacked, they automatically go into defense mode. This can happen even if you didn't mean to a attack them, but at this point they are more invested in defending and protecting themselves than listening, taking in feedback, or seeing your perspective. It is unlikely they will see their role or take any responsibility in changing.
What to do about it: Starting the conversation softly can help with this. And if you notice them getting defensive, get curious and ask, "What are you hearing me say right now?" This can allow you to respond to what they are ‘hearing’ rather than what you are ‘saying’.
3. They don't want to please you.
Your partner may be unhappy the relationship and hasn't shared it with you. They may feel unheard, and like their needs don't matter so they react passive-aggressively by not giving you the change you are asking for. This can happen when one partner in the relationship is a pleaser and prefers to avoid conflict. They never say what they want or what bothers them because they don't want to rock the boat. All this negative emotion gets bottled up, stuffed down, and then comes out in indirect ways. This can also happen when the relationship's love tank is running on empty.
What to do about it: Have regular check-ins with each other and open communication about how you are each feeling in the relationship, and what you need from each other to feel loved and be happy.
4. They don't know what to do to make you happy.
They want to please you but they don't know how. This can happen when needs aren't communicated clearly. For example, you may say, "I need to feel more loved" versus, "I need a hug when you get home from work".
What to do about it: Learn to communicate your needs in a clear, direct manner with an open vulnerability that allows your partner to be fully present and understand what you're asking for. It's also important to let your partner know when they get it right by verbalizing that they have met a need. A simple thank you can go a long way. "Thank you for texting me that you would be late, that showed me that I matter to you and made me feel loved".
Bottom line...
If you are unhappy in your relationship and need change from your partner, be sure to have their full attention, communicate in a way that doesn't lead to defensiveness, create check-in rituals, and express your needs clearly.
And whatever you do, don't stop communicating until you feel heard and understood!!
Need help communicating? Let’s schedule a consultation call, or click the link to learn how to work with me, and the three steps to my Happy Marriage Formula™. I'd love to help!