How to develop self-trust
She found the text messages between them. Not because she was looking, but because his phone was ringing while he was in the shower and she happened to glance over.
It was if someone had just punched the life out of her body. The shock, the anger and all of the feelings yet to come.
"The one thing she kept going back to as she sat in my office was, “How did I not see this coming?”
If you’ve been betrayed or blindsided in a recent relationship, trusting yourself can be extremely challenging, and it’s something I help women heal and rebuild.
Your level of self-trust influences how you express emotions, set boundaries, and get your needs met. Lacking it leads to increased anxiety and self-doubt, making it difficult to manage situations that come up in your life and relationship.
Which is why, even if you haven’t had such experiences, self-trust may still something you need to work on developing more of.
Here are just some of the ways that lacking self-trust impacts your relationship, and how to begin to turn things around.
Self-Doubt
Self-doubt leads to questioning your own feelings and needs. When you don’t trust that your feelings are valid (which, by the way, they always are), you are likely to hold back on expressing them. This can lead to resentment and over time, emotional distance and disconnection in your relationship.
Indecision
When you don’t trust yourself, you are not able to make decisions that impact you and your relationship. You may find yourself wondering if it’s okay to express certain needs or concerns you have about your relationship. You may even question your own instincts or gut reaction to things that your partner does or says.
People-Pleasing
Without self-trust, you may abandon yourself completely, by prioritizing your partner’s needs, while completely neglecting your own.
Walking on Eggshells
When you don’t trust yourself to know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from your partner, you may find yourself putting up with things that are hurtful and destructive to you and your relationship. You fear standing up for yourself because you don’t know if it’s ‘okay’ to do so.
Here are some practical steps you can take to help you begin building self trust.
Listen to your body. This may seem simple, obvious even, but something that so many women overlook. Learning to identify your feelings and listen to that knot in your stomach, that pressure in your chest, or that feeling that just won’t go away, is the most important step in building self-trust.
Meet your own needs. This doesn’t mean that you have to meet all of them, but developing the ability to first know what you need, and then give that to yourself, as if caring for a dear friend, helps you connect with yourself more securely and builds confidence in your ability to stand on your own two feet.
Follow through on the promises and commitments you make to yourself. Showing up for yourself consistently helps you gain confidence in your decisions and actions.
Set and uphold boundaries. Setting a boundary is the easy part. The challenge is to assertively uphold it. This not only builds self-trust, but it also increases self-respect and gives you a sense of safety and control in your relationship.
Align your actions and decisions with your core values. When it comes to setting boundaries or making decisions in your relationship, you can ask yourself, “Does this action or situations align with my beliefs and values?” Acting in alignment fosters integrity and sense of peace an assurance in the choices you make in your relationship, are the right ones.
Hold yourself and others accountable, with self-compassion. When you make a mistake or fail to follow through on your commitments, whether that’s to yourself or someone else, it’s important to first acknowledge, and then do what you can to make the situation better. And when someone does something hurtful to you, assertively bring it to their attention and ask for what you need to rectify the situation.
Self-trust is not built overnight. It must be cultivated through commitment, boundary-setting, alignment with values, and accountability. When we do this, we not only strengthen the connection with ourselves but also lay the groundwork for healthier, more authentic relationships with others.
If you find yourself in need of support, I would love to help! Click the link below or email me hello@drlisaarango.com.
And in the meantime, I wish you much love!
Dr. Lisa