Secure Attachment in Marriage
Getting married was one the happiest days of my life!
Of course there was the excitement of the engagement, the wedding planning, and finally...that special day when we tied the knot!! But for me it meant never again having to worry about finding ‘the one’, or wondering if the relationship I was in, would last.
While getting off the dating scene and looking down at the ring on my finger did help to soothe the part of me that was used to feeling anxious inside, unfortunately it just wasn’t enough to create the lasting, consistent security that we all long for in marriage.
Why? Because wherever we go, there we are. If you came into your marriage with an insecure attachment style, eventually, if it hasn't already, it will show up and unknowingly wreak havoc on your marital bliss. That’s because nothing on the outside can heal the inner parts of you. I know this firsthand in my own life, and I’ve seen it with the hundreds of women I’ve worked with.
Not sure if insecure attachment is affecting your marriage? Well, let’s begin with looking at what secure attachment in marriage looks like?
You both seek comfort and support from each other
You are aware of your own, and your partner’s triggers
You are able to express your most vulnerable feelings to each other
You feel like partners when it comes to caring for the house, finances, kids, etc.
You are confident that if you reach to your partner for connection, they will respond
You both have autonomy with goals, friends, and hobbies outside of your relationship
You’re able to express your needs to each other.
You’re able to navigate conflict with success
Communication between you is good (most of the time)
You have moments of passion and romance
Your marriage feels like a safe haven that you can fully trust
If you’re thinking, “Wow, it seems like the quality of your attachment affects everything in a relationship!” Well…that’s because it does. Having secure attachment is the underpinning of a happy, long-lasting, fulfilling marriage.
And here’s why.
Women with an insecure attachment style tend to have a fear of abandonment and deep down, worry about losing the person they love. They also have difficulty believing that their partner will love them back as much as they love them. Getting engaged and then married can help soothe these fears, but then slowly, after a while, they begin to creep back in and come out in the way you express your feelings and get your needs met with your husband; essentially affecting everything when it comes to interacting with him, and the way you show up in the relational space between you.
In a practical sense this looks like:
Conflicts that never fully get resolved
Always being the one to bring up the problems in the relationship
A husband that tends to withdraw or shut down during conflict
Feeling unseen and misunderstood by your husband
Feeling like your feelings don’t matter
Communication problems that seem hopeless at times
Don’t make the same mistake I did, belivieing that getting married will resolve all of your relationship anxiety and insecurities. Begin with learning about attachment styles and start doing the inner work that leads to healing and rewiring your attachment system. The good news is you can reshape your attachment style and your marriage for good.
If you would like to learn more about this healing and transformational process, feel free to reach out. I would love to hear from you.