Why Marriage is Not 50/50: The Danger of Keeping Score in Your Marriage

After the honeymoon comes the anticipation and enthusiasm of executing all of the plans and dreams you both have for building careers, creating a home, and growing a family. When this ‘grow season’ of marriage is in full swing, life is filled with lots of change and excitement as you put your plans into motion.

On the flip side, it’s also one of the most common times for marriages to start heading into unforeseen trouble as you begin to lose connection with each other.

The time and energy you used to put towards your relationship quickly shifts to the piled up bills, mounting pressure at work, daily chores, and the demands of a new baby. All of this introduces a level of stress into your marriage that most couples don’t see coming.

Although it may seem impossible due to all of life’s demands, now, in this season, is the time to double down on prioritizing your marriage!

However, many couples finding themselves so overwhelmed and caught up in the busyness of ‘doing’ and getting things done, report that the romance, passion, and fun of their relationship takes a back seat. I mean…who has the time, right?

This is where the complaints start rolling in that one partner isn’t pulling their weight. Whether it’s about childcare, housework, or managing the endless list of responsibilities, this is where the erosion of your relationship can begin to occur.

The partner who feels like they are carrying more feels overwhelmed, while the one may feel criticized, defensive or inadequate, which leads them to wanting to do even less. They are caught up in a never-ending loop of ‘who is doing more.’

By just barely scratching the surface, it becomes clear to me that what’s really missing in these marriages isn’t just a balanced list of chores, —it’s passion, connection, and partnership. The person keeping score often feels unheard, unseen, and alone. They’re not just asking for help with the chores—they’re asking for emotional closeness, understanding, and a true sense of teamwork. They want their parter to see that they are struggling and need support, and in turn want to help them.

Let’s break this down…

Why Keeping Score Is So Dangerous

Keeping track of who does what may seem like a way to ensure fairness, but it often leads to resentment and disconnection. Here’s why it’s so harmful:

1. It Masks the Real Problem:

The frustration over “who does more” is rarely just about the tasks themselves. It’s a reflection of deeper emotions—feeling unappreciated, invisible, or emotionally disconnected from your partner.

2. It Creates a Negative Feedback Loop:

Focusing on what your spouse isn’t doing puts the entire relationship under a negative lens. Over time, this constant criticism erodes your connection, making it even harder to rebuild the partnership you’re longing for.

3. It Ignores the Ups and Downs of Marriage:

There will be seasons in your relationship when one of you needs to carry more of the load. Maybe your spouse is overwhelmed with work or dealing with personal struggles. During these times, it’s essential to pull together as a team, not keep track of who did what last week.

What’s Really Missing: Connection and Passion

Couples stuck in the 50/50 mindset often lose sight of what makes a marriage thrive—connection, passion, and partnership. When one person is constantly keeping score, it’s usually a cry for deeper intimacy (not to say that they don’t also need help with the dishes).

The truth is, when you feel deeply connected to your partner, the tasks and chores matter less. You’re not just managing a household; you’re building a life together. Without that connection, even the smallest imbalance can feel overwhelming and you begin to focus only on the negative.

How to Shift Your Focus and Rebuild Connection

If you’re feeling like the balance in your marriage is off, here are some steps to take:

1. Communicate Your Needs Without Blame:

Instead of saying, “You never help,” try sharing how you feel: “I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed, and I’d love your support with XYZ.” This creates space for a productive conversation rather than a defensive argument.

2. Focus on Teamwork, Not Fairness:

Marriage isn’t about dividing everything down the middle; it’s about working together as a team. Ask yourself, “How can we support each other through this season?”

3. Rebuild the Emotional Connection:

Connection is the foundation of every thriving marriage. Set aside time to talk, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company without focusing on the tasks. When you feel emotionally connected, the day-to-day struggles become easier to navigate.

4. Express Appreciation Regularly:

Gratitude can shift your entire dynamic. Acknowledge what your spouse does bring to the relationship, even if it’s different from your contributions.

How the Love Hub Can Help

If your marriage feels like a series of checklists and you’re longing to bring back the love, passion, and teamwork, the Love Hub is here for you. My membership program gives you the tools to:

• Improve communication so you both feel heard and appreciated.

• Rebuild emotional connection and intimacy.

• Shift from resentment and overwhelm to partnership and teamwork.

• Rekindle the spark and passion in your marriage.

Join the waitlist for the Love Hub today! Click here to sign up.

Take the First Step Toward Change

Marriage isn’t about keeping score—it’s about showing up for each other, even when life isn’t perfectly balanced. If you’re tired of feeling unseen and overwhelmed, there’s hope.

I hope this helps you learn to live smarter, not harder,

Dr. Lisa

Dr. Lisa Arango is a Certified EFT Couples Therapist and Millennial Marriage expert. To learn more, visit her website, or contact her to schedule a consultation.