Why You’re Not Hearing Each Other in Arguments (And How to Fix It)

Imagine you and your sweetheart are dancing cheek to cheek, in rhythm, to beautiful music, and then suddenly you get your toe stepped on. You say “ouch!” and let your partner know this happened because it hurt and you need to stop for a moment and sooth the pain. But rather than attending to your throbbing toe, they quickly defend themselves, saying, “I didn’t do this on purpose”, or maybe even denying they did anything at all. Meanwhile you are left in pain and without the love and attention you need.

All you wanted was a little comfort.. Instead, the conversation shifted to them defending their actions.

This probably sounds familiar because, trust me…we’ve all been there!

This dynamic is one of the most common issues couples face, and it happens because both partners are having two different conversations. The good news? With some simple changes, you can turn these moments of conflict into opportunities for connection.

What’s Really Happening?

In these moments, it may seem like you’re arguing about a specific event or behavior, but beneath the surface, it’s often about emotional needs that aren’t being met. Let’s break it down:

• The Hurt Partner’s Perspective:

They are trying to say, “I feel hurt, and I need you to see and validate my feelings.” They aren’t focused on whether the action was intentional or malicious. What they want is reassurance: “I can see how painful that was and I care about your feelings.”

• The Defending Partner’s Perspective:

They are focused on protecting themselves, saying, “I didn’t mean to hurt you; I’m not a bad person.”They hear the hurt as a criticism or accusation, which triggers defensiveness.

This emotional disconnect creates a cycle:

• One partner seeks validation and connection, while unintentionally signaling to their partner that they did something wrong or bad.

• The other partner seeks to protect their identity as ‘a good guy’ by defending themselves, unintentionally invalidating their partner’s feelings.

The result? Neither partner feels heard or supported.

Why Defensiveness Creates Disconnection

When one partner defends their actions, it can shut down the emotional connection the other is seeking. For example, saying, “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” may sound like an explanation, but to the hurt partner, it often feels dismissive.

This happens because:

• Defensiveness shifts the focus from the hurt partner’s feelings to the defending partner’s intentions.

• The hurt partner feels like their emotions are being minimized, invalidate, or completely ignored.

• The defending partner feels misunderstood, leading to further disconnection.

What both partners truly want is the same: to feel loved, supported, and understood. But defensiveness often prevents them from giving each other that reassurance.

How to Break the Cycle and Truly Hear Each Other

The key to breaking this cycle is learning to slow down and approach these conversations with empathy and curiosity. Here’s how:

Step 1: Pause and Breathe

When emotions are running high, it’s easy to react defensively or lash out. Instead, take a moment to pause. This gives you both time to calm down and approach the conversation with clarity.

Step 2: Understand the Core Need

Ask yourself: What is my partner truly asking for?

• If your partner is hurt: They are likely looking for validation and reassurance, not an explanation of your intentions.

• If you’re defending yourself: You might be trying to protect yourself from feeling blamed or attacked.

Understanding these underlying needs can help you respond more effectively.

Step 3: Validate Before You Explain

Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with your partner or admitting fault—it simply means acknowledging their feelings. For example:

• Instead of: “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” or, from the example above, “I didn’t mean to step on your toe.”

• Try: “I’m so sorry that what I said hurt you. Or, I can see your toe is healing hurting, what can I do to help you feel better?”

This small shift helps your partner feel seen and supported, which often makes it easier to resolve the issue.

Step 4: Ask Open-Ended Questions

Rather than defending your actions, get curious about your partner’s experience. For example:

• “Can you help me understand what upset you the most?”

• “What would help you feel better right now?”

These questions show that you care about their feelings and want to repair the connection.

The Power of Empathy and Reassurance

When couples learn to validate each other’s emotions and respond with empathy, they create a stronger emotional bond. Reassurance doesn’t mean taking blame—it means showing your partner that their feelings matter to you.

For example:

• A simple “I see how that upset you, and I’m sorry” can diffuse tension and create connection.

• Follow up with reassurance: “I care about you, and I want us to work through this together.”

These small changes can make a big difference in how couples navigate conflict and build trust.

Building a New Pattern

Breaking the defensiveness cycle takes practice, but the payoff is worth it. By slowing down, validating each other’s feelings, and focusing on emotional needs, you can turn arguments into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

Next time you find yourself in this dynamic, pause and ask: “What does my partner need from me right now?” With time and effort, you can create a relationship where both of you feel heard, loved, and supported.

BONUS TIP: If you find yourself getting stuck in this or any other type of argument over and over, download my free guide to help you get unstuck from negative communication patterns once and for all. Click HERE to access the guide.

Dr. Lisa Arango is a Certified EFT Couples Therapist, Millennial Marriage expert, and founder of the Love Hub. To learn more, visit her website, or contact her to schedule a consultation.