Why Is My Partner Pulling Away- Could It Be Avoidant Attachment Style?
Is your partner texting less often throughout the day, spending more time at the office, or generally less attentive, and more reserved than usual?
The sense that your partner is pulling away can spark fear, or even panic, especially when you aren’t sure why. At this point, you might be telling yourself the worst case scenario, but before you go too far down that road, consider some of the more common (and not so tragic) reasons your partner has become more distant. Within each of these is an opportunity to turn things back around.
Attachment Style
Is your relationship entering a new level of closeness or commitment?
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style can feel uncomfortable, or even overwhelmed when things begin to heat up, or the relationship becomes more serious.
The deepening of a relationship triggers their deep rooted fear of vulnerability and intimacy. Pulling away or withdrawing, is a way of managing the felt pressure and anxiety, and protecting themselves from perceived threats associated with closeness.
Communication Breakdown.
Does your partner feel comfortable expressing feelings and needs to you? Or, do they generally avoid conflict, and just want to make you happy?
If so, it’s possible he’s holding something in that needs to be expressed. The consequence of constantly pushing down one’s feelings to keep the peace, is a build up of resentment, which leads to emotional withdrawal and distance.
Personal Issues or Stress.
Could they be going through something that has nothing to do with you?
Individual stressors, such as work pressure, family problems, or health issues, can cause someone to withdraw as they try to cope with their own challenges. It’s easy to mistake unhappiness in other areas of their life as unhappiness about the relationship.
If he is used to handling things on his own, he may be reluctant to come to you with these types of issues. Furthermore, he may not want to burden or worry you with what is going on.
Lack of Individual Space.
Are you spending too much time together lately? Have you been putting pressure on him to spend more time with you?
If not, it might just be that your partner pulls away at times because he needs more space in the relationship than you do. This can be attributed to his attachment style and is nothing personal.
But, feeling smothered or suffocated within the relationship due to a lack of personal space or autonomy can cause someone to create distance in order to regain a sense of independence.
Keep in mind that all relationships need a balance of time together and time a apart, to create healthy interdependence.
If you sense that your partner is starting to withdraw it is important to address; BUT how you do so is of utmost importance to avoid pushing him even further away.
Here are some important tips on how to proceed.
Self-s soothe first and approach calmly: While you may be very worried, or even panicked about your partner and your relationship, it is important to go to him from a grounded place, rather than being frantic or angry, to avoid pushing them further away.
Timing: Let him know that you would like to check in with them and talk about the relationship. Gently ask, “I’d like to talk with you about something that I think would be good for our relationship. When would be a good time for you to talk about this?” Keep your sense of urgency in check to avoid pushing him away, especially if he tend sot avoid conflict or taking king about feelings.
Don’t assume the worst: As listed above, there are several potential reasons for your partner withdrawal. Rather than accusing him of pulling away from you, be curious and ask open-ended questions about how he’s feeling.
Validate: Let him know that his feelings, thoughts, opinions and needs are important to you, and that he makes sense.
Limit the conversation: The talk should not go longer than 20 minutes. Also, make sure that you focus on his feelings and needs in this conversation. Of course, your needs are important also, but now is not the time to discuss them.
Take action and follow-through: Based on what he tells you, it is important that you follow up consistently to meet his needs and check in to make sure he is feeling heard and fulfilled.
Seek Support: Consider couples therapy or individual counseling to navigate these dynamics effectively. Professional guidance can offer tools to bridge the gap in communication and understanding, and manage different attachment styles.
I use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) to help people identify their attachments styles and the patterns that drive distance and disconnection between them.
If you sense your partner pulling away and would like help in bridging the distance, I would love to help! Click the link below or email me hello@drlisaarango.com.
I hope this helps, and in the meantime, I wish you much love!
Dr. Lisa