What To Do When Your Trust Issues Are Affecting Your Relationship
Do you have ‘trust issues’ from childhood or a previous relationship? Did you know that this could actually be causing trust issues in your current or next relationship? It may even be what’s keeping you from getting back out on the dating scene. Why? Because your relationship with others begins with and is a direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.
If you’ve been hurt in a prior relationship, and let’s face it, who hasn’t, you know what it’s like to experience the deep pain of an unexpected break-up, divorce, or betrayal. This can feel like the rug has been pulled from beneath you. You begin to question yourself and all relationships, leading you to declare, “I’ll never trust anyone again”. And if you were completely blindsided, you may even wonder if you can trust yourself. In attachment theory, we refer to these types of events in relationships as ‘never again’ moments. You know, the ones that leave you breathless, swearing you’ll never allow yourself to be hurt like that again.
Wounds from the past reminding you to keep your guard up and be on the lookout for signs of dishonesty and betrayal can possibly protect you from getting hurt, however, this kind of vigilant behavior can make your new partner feel like they are under a microscope. This sets up the relationship from the beginning for an unhealthy pursue-withdraw dynamic leading to insecurity and mistrust. Past hurts like this need inner work in order to heal so you can truly open yourself up for love again.
If you are in a relationship with someone whom you believe to be ‘trustworthy’ but are still struggling to let your guard down and feel secure, try following these steps to begin healing yourself and managing your fears. And if you are single, these tips can help you get ready for success in your next relationship. Keep in mind, this only applies if the person you are with has not done anything to breach your trust.
Improve the relationship with yourself.
Begin by focusing on yourself and looking into the origins of your trust issues. See if you can pinpoint the first time you remember feeling hurt, really let down, or betrayed. This may go all the way back to childhood. Also tune in to listen for thoughts such as “my needs don’t matter”, or beliefs about others like, “people can’t be trusted” or “you can’t count on others to be there for you”. These internal messages need to be identified, challenged, and reevaluated as to their validity. The truth is, you are lovable and not everyone lies, cheats, or abandons. Self awareness and reprogramming your beliefs are an important step towards healing the past and feeling secure with yourself.
Focus on what you can control; you.
Focusing on what you can’t control, like your partner’s behavior to alleviate your anxiety may work in the short-term, but will only lead to problems in the relationship down the road. For example, if you feel worried when they are not with you, you might make unrealistic demands for them to call you every 30 minutes, or insist they turn on their location 24-7, when they themselves haven't done anything to warrant your mistrust. You might feel better knowing exactly where they are at all times, however you partner will likely feel controlled and may even begin hiding innocuous information to avoid a blow up with you.
Instead, when you first notice that you are feeling worried, anxious, or suspicious, step back and pinpoint the trigger. Ask yourself, “What happened just before I began to feel this way?” It’s likely that you were reminded of something from your painful past or you began visualizing your current partner doing something that would hurt you. Once you’ve identified the trigger, begin the emotional regulation process to help you deal with your fear. Take a few deep cleansing breaths and sort out the facts from your feelings. You may also need to do something to distract yourself like take a shower, call a friend, or go for a run to alleviate the anxiety that was triggered. Remember, action calms anxiety.
Be patient and allow the trust to grow organically.
Trust in a relationship is something that develops slowly over time. While it would be ideal to have it front-loaded at the start of a relationship so you never have to worry, this unfortunately, is not going to happen. Think of it instead as wading into cold waters. You step in with your feet first, wait to adjust to the temperature, and if it’s safe, move in a little deeper, and so on, little by little.
In the meantime, rather than only scanning for danger cues with your partner, look for signs of “trustworthiness” as you are getting to know each other. Are they honest about little things? Do they consistently do what they say they’re going to do? Are they honest with other people (coworkers, boss, clients, family members). Are they open to letting you in, talk openly about past relationships? And remember to practice patients!
Focusing internally to heal and achieve secure attachment within yourself enables you to see relationships from a more realistic perspective. You gain confidence in yourself and your own worth believing you deserve to have a partner who treats you well. And when the relationship isn’t working out, you know it’s time to take active steps in improving it or moving on.
If your trust issues are getting in the way of you having the relationship you’ve dreamed of, try using these tools. You may also consider hiring a coach or investing in personal therapy to heal and move forward. You don’t have to stay stuck in the painful past. You can and deserve to feel better and to find true lasting love.