When Saying Sorry Isn’t Enough
Imagine rushing into the emergency room with a life threatening wound. You would need immediate attention to the pain and for someone to stop the bleed!
Many times in our relationships when our loved one comes to us in pain from some hurt we have inflicted our first instinct is to explain our side of what happened. It could go something like, “I wasn’t aware that you were making a special dinner for me” or “I didn’t notice that you reached for my hand” in a frustrated, maybe even angry tone. Or even worse, without knowing, you may invalidate your partner’s feelings by responding, “You couldn’t possibly be that upset about such a little thing”.
In your defense, you are trying to make the other person feel better by either letting them know your side or trying to help them calm down. But let’s be honest, you’re upset too because you didn’t mean to hurt them. Unfortunately, your frustration is all your partner sees. What they don’t see however, is that deep down, you feel bad, maybe even shameful, or inadequate for causing them pain. And the hardest part is that you really don’t know how to make it better.
And therein lies the difficulty. You want so badly for your partner to not see you as the ‘bad guy’, but right now it’s not about you. Your partner needs your immediate attention to their pain.
Maybe you innocently forgot to put an important date in your calendar, or perhaps it was a more serious injury to your partner, like some sort of betrayal. In either case, simply saying “I’m sorry” is only letting your partner know how you feel but it’s not always enough to help them feel better. Going through the following injury repair process can, however, help you be there for your partner and get you back into safe connection.
Remember that intention and impact are not the same
Of course you didn’t mean to hurt your partner. But unfortunately when you were merely scrolling through your messages at the dinner table, he felt dismissed and unimportant. It could be that your partner has a raw spot that you didn’t even know about like a sensitivity to rejection or criticism from childhood or previous relationships that make the impact of your unintentional acts all the more painful.
Ground yourself
When you see emotional cues from your partner signaling they are upset with you, you may find yourself getting flooded with your own emotion (frustration, guilt, shame). But remember, this is when your partner needs you most to attend to their hurt. So take a few deep breaths, stay present, and then look into your partner’s eyes with your attention fully focused and ready to listen.
Take your partner’s perspective
Your partner needs to see that you truly see their pain and that it really matters to you. Remaining emotionally present and observing the situation from your partner’s perspective allows you to experience and express deep empathy. This is exactly what is needed to soothe the hurt. Simple but definitely not easy.
Acknowledge the impact
While walking in your partner’s shoes, try to pinpoint how your actions impacted them. You might say, “I really let you down” or “I can see how sad that made you feel”. This allows them to feel truly seen and heard, and lets them know that you really get how your actions impacted them.
Ask your partner what they need
Rather than feeling helpless about how to make the situation better, simply ask, “What do you need from me right now to help you feel better?” It may surprise you that all they need is a hug, or some form of reassurance that signals to them that you really care and want to be there.
Conflict in a intimate relationship is inevitable. When you are dancing in a close relationship with a romantic partner, you are bound to step on each other’s toes. When this happens, those in successful relationships are able to attune, empathize, repair, and get back to the dance floor.
Happy dancing! And much love,
Lisa