Ever Feel Like You Are Having The Same Fight Over And Over Again?

Let’s face it, if you’re in a long-term relationship you know there's going to be conflict. But did you ever notice how your conflicts all have the same predictable pattern or cycle?   

Having conflict is not a bad thing, if you can repair and address the real issue. It’s actually a healthy part of a relationship, signalling that you care about each other, want to be understood, and have needs that aren’t being met by your partner. 

So, like any other couple you fight about the big things like money, in-laws, or chores around the house. And if you’re not yet married it might be things like how much time you spend together, when you’re going to get married, or what city you’re going to live in.  

But have you ever noticed how some of the smallest issues like not paying attention to something your partner said, not returning a text in a timely manner, or putting the toilet paper roll on backwards, can turn into some of the biggest fights, potentially lasting for days? 

You know how it goes….your partner comes home later than he said he would and didn’t even call to let you know why or when he’d be home. You’re disappointed because you were really looking forward to spending the evening together. You confront him at the door when he arrives to express how upset you are. He immediately looks down, walks away, and goes to the bedroom without saying a word.  

Initially the conflict began with the thing that triggered the argument, him coming home late, but then quickly escalated into that same old familiar fight where you want to talk about something, he says nothing, and eventually walks away. This is an example of a typical pursue-withdraw pattern that many couples get stuck in and goes something like this. 

You express how upset you are about something.

He stays quiet and begins to shut down. 

You pursue and get more upset. 

The more you pursue and get upset, the more he shuts down and pulls away.

The more he pulls away, the more upset you get. 

And around and around you go. 

And next thing you know, you’re not speaking for two days. and nothing gets resolved.

And why, all because he came home late? Nope! You’re not speaking for two days because you got caught in the negative conflict cycle and you’re both exhausted, feeling hurt, rejected, and misunderstood. Neither of you knows how to fix it so you sweep it under the rug and move on… until it sparks up again.  

This negative cycle is the real enemy of your relationship and has the potential to drive negative feelings, emotional distance, and insecurity.

In my next blog post, I will go into more detail about the real issue underlying these cycles of conflict to help explain what’s really driving this pattern. In the meantime, as an important first step, see if you can map out your cycle. 

Here’s a formula to work with. Make sure to be very specific. 

Partner 1: When I feel disconnected from you I (approach, demand, complain, probe, question). The more I (approach, demand, complain, probe, question), the more you (get logical, defend, distance minimize, use logic, go numb).

Partner 2: When I feel disconnected from you I (get logical, defend, distance minimize, use logic, go numb). The more I (get logical, defend, distance minimize, use logic, go numb), the more you (approach, demand, complain, probe, question).

This is important work! Be sure to follow this blog series in the upcoming weeks.