Have You Ever Been Called ‘Needy’?
In our society independence is often exalted, glorified as a sign of strength and something to strive for. Hyper-independent fictional characters like James Bond are portrayed as the pinnacle of intelligence and sex appeal. Bond is stronger because he is alone and unencumbered by love or relationships. On the other hand, female characters à la Bridget Jones, who desperately seek love, often appear dramatic and obsessive, and dare I say it, ‘needy’.
We often perceive neediness in a relationship as unhealthy behavior, a symptom of co-dependence. The solution or antidote to this would logically be independence; either not having needs or learning how to meet them yourself.
While many grow up thinking about relationships this way, neither codependence nor toxic independence are healthy patterns of behavior. The first pattern leads to becoming overly reliant on another person and losing your autonomy, while the second causes withdrawal in a relationship or complete isolation, which always takes its toll. Humans need love as much as we need oxygen. Without it we fail to thrive and when it’s withdrawn, we panic.
Our desire for human contact is not something to avoid or repress but rather to accept as our primary evolutionary instinct that keeps us close and bonded with each other. Humans are ‘needy’ animals. It’s how we survived this long!
Thankfully relationship science, and attachment theory in particular, provides a healthy alternative for dealing with this innate drive for connection: the solution is ‘interdependence’, which is experienced in a secure attachment.
In an interdependent relationship, both individuals have a sense of confidence in themselves and in the relationship. This allows each partner to experience the autonomy to be themselves and explore the world, while also enjoying the closeness, vulnerability, and connection of a secure relationship. Thus, each partner becomes a ‘safe haven’ to relax into for comfort and reassurance, and a ‘secure base’ from which to grow, expand, and accomplish personal goals.
Here are a few key takeaways backed up by hard relationship science.
We need others because we are human.
Our need for love is not something to be pushed down or ashamed of.
Our nervous system is hardwired to connect with another person.
We only become ‘needy’ in a relationship if our needs are not being met.
The more secure we feel in a relationship, the more comfortable we are with intimacy and autonomy.
Be sure to keep these in mind when considering your current or next relationship. Fortunately, a secure, interdependent relationship is something you can work towards whether single or coupled up. It all starts with understanding what a healthy relationship looks like, then becoming self-aware, and being intentional, and experiencing success in your relationship. It’s a process, but it is possible, and it’s possible for you!