The Real Villain In Your Relationship

What’s the one thing couples say they want to improve when entering couples therapy? You guessed it, communication skills! Little do they know, the messenger of love is not a ‘skill’ but rather, emotion which often seems messy and something to do away with.   

In last week’s blog, ‘Ever Feel Like You Are Having The Same Fight Over And Over Again’, I described a typical pursue-withdraw conflict pattern that couples get caught up in. While it initially gets sparked up by a seemingly minor incident, it quickly escalates into a full-blown fight sending you and your partner into the ring for hours. 

You may recall the example used. Steve was in a stressful meeting at work that went much longer than expected. While driving home from the office all he could think about was seeing Meghan’s smiling face and spending the evening relaxing together. 

Meanwhile, Meghan is at home waiting for him to arrive feeling sad and hurt that he is late, again. Late and didn’t even call! This led her to wonder if he thought about how she might be feeling, or if he even cared.  

So instead of falling into Meghan’s loving arms when he arrives, he is greeted at the door with her frustration and disappointment. Feeling attacked and criticized for getting home late, he throws his hands in the air and walks away. 

This is when they go from fighting about the ‘thing’ to fighting about the relationship, moving into the negative cycle. 

When you look beneath the surface of Meghan’s angry pursuit and Steve’s defensive withdrawal, you’ll find the real issue they are protesting and reacting to; loss of emotional safety and connection where Meghan is asking, “Do you love me?” and Steve is declaring, “I can’t do anything right in your eyes”. 

Even though logically Meghan knows Steve loves her, right now, in the moment when she is sad and hurt and sees him walking away, she gets triggered. It really feels like he just doesn’t care about her. Rather than expressing her sadness about this in a soft vulnerable way to pull Steve in and offer her the comfort she is seeking, she is expressing her pain from an angry place with criticism, “You’re always late!” or “You don’t even care about my feelings!”, which pushes him away.  

When they are not caught up in this negative cycle, Steve knows he makes Meghan happy in the relationship, but right now, at the moment when she is criticizing and pursuing with anger, it feels like he can never get it right with her and never will. But rather than expressing how badly he feels for screwing up, or his feelings of inadequacy or helplessness, he gives up and walks away. 

Until they discover what is getting triggered in the conflict; the underlying attachment needs for reassurance and connection, and fears of rejection or failure they will continue to get caught in this negative loop.

Awareness is the first step to escaping this villainous pattern. Try using the formula below to uncover the vulnerable emotions that may be getting triggered in your relationship and the feedback loop that is created. 

When I feel ____________________ (sad, worried, hurt, alone) in our relationship I react by feeling _______________________(angry, cold, frustrated) and then I (action) ___________ (criticize, demand, walk away, shut down, question). You respond by (action) ___________________ (walking away, getting defensive, invalidating, explaining) but you might actually be feeling ___________________ (sad, overwhelmed, helpless, afraid).