How to Deal With Rejection
Imagine if you had the confidence that you could handle any kind of rejection… What kinds of new things would you try? How would your life look different? How many new experiences could you have?
Rejection registers in the same part of your brain as a physical pain....ouch! So in essence, it feels like a punch to the brain knocking you off your emotional balance, and it hurts!
The question is how do you get back up? The following tips will help you become rejection-proof. Remember, that’s where all the fun begins!
Rejection Hurts
First, it’s important to recognize that all humans have a fundamental need for belonging that is hardwired into our brains. Thus, rejection is very destabilizing and feels like a threat to your survival, leaving you feeling disoriented, disconnected, and ostracized from ‘the tribe’.
It’s also true that rejection is an inevitable part of life- an element of our common humanity that happens to everyone. Learning how to effectively deal with it is essential.
Yes, your immediate reaction may be to feel like a failure and tell yourself, “Something must be wrong with me” or “I must not be good enough” (remember you just got punched in the brain!)
However, this critical self-talk is based on a false narrative that if left unchecked will lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy, and worthlessness. So it’s important to attend to the pain of rejection with compassionate self-soothing techniques as quickly as possible before it festers and begins to affect your self-esteem and self-worth. Don’t let rejection get in the way of living your best life!
Feel Your Feelings
Acknowledge the hurt you are feeling and name the emotion. Make sure to be specific and include only the facts of what happened (not the critical story you tell yourself about what happened). For example, “I feel sad that I wasn’t invited to the party”, rather than “I wasn’t invited to the party because everyone thinks I’m weird.” Talk to a trusted friend or write about it in your journal.
Naming the exact feeling helps you regulate the emotion (name it to tame it). So rather than trying to avoid, numb or push the feeling away, allow yourself to experience it as it flows in, peaks, and flows out, like riding a wave.
Check In With Your Thoughts
Getting rejected does not mean you are a ‘reject’. You are the same amazing person you were before you were rejected! You can make the choice not to let rejection define you.
Firstly, instead of criticizing yourself, focus on the fact that rejection means you took a risk, like applying for that job or asking him out on a date. This my friend, means that you are brave, willing to put yourself out there and go for what you want in life! Give yourself a huge pat on the back and remind yourself of this when the self-defeating thoughts creep in.
Secondly, replace your negative self-talk with thoughts that are more realistic and build up your self-worth such as “I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay” or “I have a lot of special gifts to offer”. These are facts!
Lastly, reframe your perspective on the situation. Rather than looking at it as something you lost out on, think of the rejection as providing direction toward what is truly meant for you. The truth is, he really isn’t ‘the one,’ and that group of friends just isn’t your tribe, and that is okay!
Don’t Try To Avoid Rejection
Sure, if you stay in your comfort zone you will likely experience the pain of rejection less often. However, that would mean that you are living small rather than going after what you long for. Many of the best experiences and craziest stories in life lie on the other side of your fear of rejection.
The more you experience rejection using these tools to cope, the more confidence you will have in your ability to bounce back from the temporary pain and self-doubt. You can even turn this fear on its head, and actively seek out situations where you might get rejected! This makes you unstoppable, and leads to having fulfilling relationships and living your best life.
Lastly, be sure to surround yourself with people who love you. A robust support system of loving friends and nourishing relationships can blunt the sting of rejection and help you gain perspective. Of course, if you are struggling to recover from the pain of rejection, you can also reach out to a therapist or coach to help you through.
Lots of love,
LA