Healing From A Break-Up? 4 Steps To Recovery

Breaking up is hard to do. Getting over a break-up is even harder! You go round and round in conflict for months, sometimes even years, unable to resolve the deep rooted issues in the relationship. Over time this wears on the fabric of your loving bond and someone finally decides, it’s time to leave.

If you were the one who was left, the pain of loss is fanned by the flames of rejection and abandonment. Or maybe you were the one who finally called it quits after a long time of being treated poorly. Logically you understand why it ended, and maybe even agree that it was time, but emotionally, you’re left to wonder, what really happened? 

You begin with the blame game, remembering all of his bad qualities and recalling the times he acted like a complete jerk, and the anger towards him grows. 

But then...deep down the anger turns inward as you begin to second-guess yourself and secretly wonder, was it me? 

The questions swirl in your head: Should I have stayed? Why doesn’t he want to be with me? Why couldn’t I make it work? What’s wrong with me? 

This is when your self-esteem and self-worth become the real casualty of the break-up  and keep you hooked into feeling heartbroken. The battle in your head begins to convince you that if you were just (smart, sexy, funny, cool), ‘enough’, he never would have left. This is even easier to believe if he’s already coupled-up again. 

It’s time, right now, to pull yourself out of this pit of self-destruction and onto the road of recovery. 

Provide Your Own Closure

The closure your mind is desperately searching for is validation that you really are good enough and that it wasn’t all your vault. But guess what? You don’t need him for this because you can provide it for yourself? Regardless of how you feel, the fact is you ARE good enough. And the failure of the relationship was not all your fault. When you get trapped into this all-or-none type thinking, step back and remember that neither of you is either all bad or all good. Furthermore, it takes two to tango, and the real enemy of your relationship is the emotional distance and conflict cycle that took it over. 

Practice daily affirmations such as “I am enough”, “I bring a lot of value to a relationship”, “I have the power to make positive changes in my life”.  

Round Up Your Girlfriends

Surround yourself with supportive friends who are not trying to rush you to “get over it” or set you up with someone new. You should take as much time as you need to process the anger and grief left in the wake of your break-up. You could also consider reaching out to a therapist or coach for even more support.  

Unhook Yourself From Him 

I’m talking literally and cold turkey. This means deleting him, at least temporarily, from all social media. Better yet delete your social media apps all together (yesss, this includes the dating apps…). Remember, this is just for a little while. 

You also need to unhook yourself from your thoughts. When you begin to fantasize about the things you’re going to miss about him, like the way he used to bring you coffee in the morning, balance this out with remembering the things you won’t miss. Like him not texting you back for days after that big fight you had. Remember, he, nor the relationship was all good or all bad.   

Practice Self Compassion

If you fall off the wagon and reach out to him, or check him on social media, don’t beat yourself up. Breaking the attachment bond with someone you love can be as hard as breaking an addiction to a drug. Your brain craves that dopamine rush you get from contact with him even though you know it’s only temporary and not good for you. This is why the cold turkey approach is so important as you heal and “detach” from him. 

You could also indulge in some self-love rituals like taking a soothing bath, going on a nature walk, trying a yoga class, or list ten things you are grateful for. Too boring? Then go for a run, take a kickboxing class, or crank up the music and dance!

Keep in mind that the only way out of the heartache is going straight through. That’s because the healing is in the feeling. The good news is, your heart is naturally equipped for healing if given the time, space, and self-love that is needed. 

Lots of love,

LA